Scientology - 100% Bullshit

Hey there, fellow internet survivalists! Ever wondered what’s the craziest, least sensible group of people on the planet? No, it’s not Islamic fundamentalists. No, not turbo-militant creationists. No, not the evil crazy cat ladies either. It’s followers of a ‘religion’ called Scientology. Though I use the term religion very loosely, like how worshipping a dried pear that looks like Ronald Reagan is a ‘religion’.

Okay, now that I’ve made myself a target for assassination attempts, you’re gonna ask... why’s this? Those Scientologists are just nice guys with a really lame rip-off crucifix as their logo. Yeah, that’s right. They have a cross, but it also has a sharp, hazardous ‘X’ going through the center. Way to go originality. Well, first… to explain things, their Religion was started in the 1950’s by… get this: it was started by a goddamned science-fiction paperback writer. L. Ron Hubbard was his name, and the ‘L’ stands for Linda. To be fair, if I had a first name like fucking Linda, I’d want to start some kinda evil cult too.

Anyway, so this religion tests people with cheesy magazine back ‘yes/no’ questionnaires that only the reincarnation of Jesus-Gandhi-ChefBoyardee could pass. When you invariably fail, they offer free ‘help’ courses… such as being told that you suck repeatedly while having cold water thrown in your face until you agree to pay their rather ‘competitively’ priced counseling fees, so you can learn all of the secrets of the universe. Not a bad deal, huh?

Secrets… well… Here we go. I’m going to try and explain… but what they think makes the plot of DUNE look crystal-clear by comparison, without the hallucinogenic spice. So like… this is what pastor Hubbard says: Precisely 75 million years ago, a tyrannical galactic alien emperor named Xenu controlled the whole galaxy, including our blue planet Earth, which was called Teegeeak back in those days. Overpopulation was really messing up his empire though, since 180 billion people lived on each of his hundred planets.

To solve this problem, Emperor Xenu used his elite psychiatrist legions to trick people into being injected with knock-out chemicals, and put them into futuristic spaceships that look exactly like airliners, but with hyper-techno-advanced rocket engines instead of jet turbines. He flew them all to the Planet Teegeeak… I mean… Earth, where they all were stuffed into volcanoes, and blown up by multiple nuclear bombs for some reason. Wow. This sounds like a perfect solution to America’s homeless problems. Oh, and then Xenu decided it was such a waste to nuke mountainfuls of people, so he collected all of their souls into little boxes, like the way the Ghostbusters catch ghosts, to prevent their souls from reincarnating into humans to overthrow his rule. The souls have to watch shitty movies inside these soul-catcher boxes for all eternity, much like the awesome television show, Mystery Science Theater 3000, where two robots and a custodian watch movies and mock them in space.

So anyway, the Evil Overlord Xenu was overthrown by his own government, and locked up in a volcano, where he’s trapped by an eternally-powered forcefield and is still living today. Uh huh. Those souls (called ‘Thetans’) then escaped the theaters and are possessing humans, causing them to feel bad, have shitty lives, and not ever get laid. So basically, blaming your problems on ‘Thetans’ and not ‘Your own fucking ineptitude’ is what this story promotes. Well, that’s about it. Damn accurate depiction of the ancient universe, I say. Only one catch. They tell you this stuff after you’ve already spent about $50,000 dollars on ‘treatment sessions’, which only serve to show how much of a goddamn idiot you are, and why you should never, ever be allowed to breed.

This religion is fucking sad, I’ll tell you that. They’re the ‘Church of Scientology’ officially, but… I got to wondering. What the fuck is the word Scientology? I can tell you what it’s not though, and that’s Science. No, they instead have Scient™, the low-carb, low-fat, fact-free version of science, promoted by Linda Ron Hubbard, author of such masterpieces of literature as ‘Battlefield Earth’, the story of how the Earth gets taken over by aliens who look like white guys with green eyes and dreadlocks.

So back to the topic, Scient™ology is based on the exorcising of those darned Thetans from your body, as they cause all kinds of things. They’re why you get sick after gorging your fat dumb ass on six cans of beef stew. They’re why your armpits repulse woodland animals after you fail to bathe in a month. They’re why you can’t get a date to save your life, even after showing that (un)lucky someone your collection of batman figurines you’ve collected for the last 28 years of your life.

To do so, you use a special set of techniques that Linda Ron Hubbard has himself perfected. One of which is called ‘Dianetics’, which quote:

“...this new science of the mind or this new philosophy had a significance for mankind that was greater than the discovery of the wheel and equal in significance to the discovery of fire."

Oh modesty, your name is Linda. Yeah, well, Dianetics involves apparently the ritual of throwing money at Scientology, while they tell you how much you suck, and how it’s okay to suck, because giving them money lets them help you suck less. Measure the suckitude, they have special hyper-technological doohickies designed by Linda Ron Hubbard himself called E-Meters, that measure your levels of gullibility. No, it’s true. It’s claimed they measure ‘Theatan Possession Quotient’, but that’s really window dressing for pure gullibility, with a side of godawful stupidity. I myself have had the ‘fortune’ of being offered a free E-Meter testing to show how possessed I am once. This pair of Scient™ologists cornered me in a park and asked if I wanted all my problems to be solved, forever and ever and ever. So to show me how massively fucked up I am, they told me to squeeze a little box attatched by wires to a multimeter, a device used by nerds to make radio kits by measuring if electricity gets from point A to point B.

Travolta's money being put to good use.

So I got ‘tested’, and found out one astounding fact. How possessed I am is directly related to how hard I was squeezing the box. Real scient™-ific device you have there, fellow inhabitants of Teegeeak. Personally, I’m an indifferent atheist, and laughed in their faces, when they began to comment about how my thetan levels were off the charts. Duh, all demonically possessed people can grip a fucking cube.

Know what’s the saddest fact of all? About 50,000 people actually believe in this stuff, and are waiting for Linda ‘Super Jesus’ Ron Hubbard’s return to save them from the legions of Thetan posssessed people with surprisingly strong grips. Honestly though, this isn’t entirely funny stuff. People have DIED to these guys, like a woman named Lisa McPherson, a member who was locked in a closet for seventeen days. I say, that’s a pretty shitty way to go. ‘Yeah sure, Sign me up for this cult that shoves people in closets without food or water for three weeks, after I’ve paid them my life savings. Great deal! But now at least I have Xenu-Repelling Decoder Rings!’

Anyway, what can you do to protect our beloved planet Teegeeak from the forces of Scient™ology? Simple. If you see a scientologist, who says anything about ‘E-Meters’, ‘Operating Thetan Levels’ or ‘Xenu’, you hit them square across the face with the hardest, bluntest object available, and tell them that the reason they’re such useless fucks, is because they’re useless fucks. That’s when you give the poor saps a quarter as a start to replace the $80,000 dollars they’ve wasted on Thetan-B-Gone Spray, Gold Plated Deluxe E-Meters, and Linda Ron Hubbard water-transfer decal sheets.

So well, I’m probably gonna get massively sued. But hey, like I care. I’ll just mention Beloved Leader’s effeminate first name, and hope that’ll cause heads to explode in clouds of blood, bone and liquefied stupidity. Anyway, this rant is getting quite long, and I’ve got to head back to the frontline in the fight against the forces of dumbassery. Until next ranting, denizens of the internet(s)!

Source http://goforit.comicgen.com/rants/scientology.html

Story by Tony Xiao